i don't feel like being reasonable.

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Sometimes, a girl just has to curl up with a bowl of ice cream and have a really good cry.

So that's what I did last night.

I cried because I hate saying goodbye.

Goodbye hurts.

I hurt.

So I need to write about it.

My church is about half an hour away from where I live. I have church on Sunday mornings, youth group on the first Sunday night of every month, and small group every Wednesday night at someone's house (which is also about 30 minutes away). Plus I've been wanting to get involved with student leadership. Yikes.

That's about... 13 hours a month of driving?

I don't even want to know how much gas that costs.

Not to mention that my parents have to wait for me, since driving home and then immediately coming back to pick me up doesn't make sense.

So I knew what my dad was going to tell me.

I didn't want to hear it.

He said they're thinking of moving us to a different church.

I cried for my friends... for the familiarity... for the relationships I've developed over the five-ish years that we've been going there. I loved being able to call it "my church." I pictured myself growing deeper friendships, becoming more comfortable, and having an amazing time with those people during my last few years of high school.

But now it's all changing.

When I was younger, we traveled and moved around a lot. I never really felt like I belonged to one church, a place where I knew everyone. I crave deep relationships. It's my personality. I love people. I'm tired of surface-level friendships. I want to know people whom I can trust, count on, laugh with, cry with, and encourage. I was finally getting there. I developed bonds with people, lots of whom I've known since junior high.

And it's back to the beginning.

Back to being the new girl.

Back to feeling alone, faking a smile, not wanting to open my heart to change.

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I know, like a good girl, I really should be saying, "It'll all work out in the end. God has an awesome plan. I should just trust Him and it'll all be fine." And truly, I know that in my heart.

I just don't want to accept it.

I want to fight it.

I want to hold onto this in my heart and keep resisting.

There are opportunities that might come by going to this new church. I've always wanted to be involved in helping to lead worship, and that option wasn't really available before.

Part of me doesn't care. Part of me is excited. Most of me wants to hide under the covers and never come out. But I can't. Life goes on. I still have to wake up, do school, go to swim practice, go to gymnastics, practice music, and everything else.

I have this anger inside me, and I want someone to blame. I want to blame my parents, but I know I can't, because I know they're trying to do the best thing. I can't blame God, because that's just ridiculous. It's the natural response, but I know that He cares for me so much. I want to blame someone. But there's no one to blame. So I'm stuck with this emotional mess inside, and I take it out on those around me. I know I shouldn't.

I can forget about it and smile for a little while, but it's always there, beneath the surface. I guess the only thing to do is ride out this wave of emotions.

I know, I know. It's not like I'm moving across the country. I'll still see those people. But it won't quite be the same, or as often. And I'll miss out on some friendships. But I get to make new ones.

It's really easy for me to make friends. I'm not a shy person. But the stubbornness inside me doesn't want to make new friends, because I like the ones I have already. I don't want any more change. I'm sick of it.

Writing is therapeutic for me, it really is. Sorry, I know this post is a bit of a downer, but I need some way to express what I'm feeling. I know, when I'm twenty, I'll look back and see how ridiculous this all was. But right now, in the moment, it's not that easy. I'll have to pray for strength, for acceptance, for trust.

And let time heal my hurt.

PS: Sorry for the Pinterest shots. I promise I only use those when I'm not feeling creative or haven't taken many pictures recently.